Dealing with Disappointments

Life is full of disappointments. If that sounds cynical, it isn’t meant to be. We face a myriad of disappointments throughout our lives. Many of them are small. I poured chocolate almond milk into my coffee the other day and was disappointed when I discovered it had gone bad. I was also disappointed that I made the decision not to test the milk first… and that I had to dump my coffee down the drain.

We experience disappointment when something isn’t available at the store, or when we learn that a favourite show is going to be cancelled. The disappointments that we face range from the minor to the more intense. Most disappointments fade quickly, and have a low impact on our lives. In a couple weeks, I’ll no longer remember the disappointment of the coffee, for instance.

But some disappointments are bigger, and have more of an impact on our lives.

Sometimes we experience a disappointment that might seem like it should be a minor. Maybe it would be minor for someone else, or even for ourselves in other circumstances. Sometimes we experience what can seem like a disproportionate level of disappointment to a situation or event. Sometimes it all depends on context.

Woman sitting, holding knees
Image by Anemone123 from Pixabay

The Cancellation

A couple weeks ago I was faced with an event cancellation that caused me what could be considered a disproportionate level of disappointment. My experience is not uncommon to our current situation. I would hazard a guess that everyone has faced some level of disappointment over the last few months. Not being able to go about our “normal” daily lives is disappointing all by itself, without adding missed events or experiences.

This particular event cancellation was inevitable, since it was a concert that I was supposed to attend mid-July. Regardless of what all has opened back up by that point, it is highly likely that concerts of this type, along with other events filled with high numbers of people, will not be happening any time soon.

But knowing that it was going to be cancelled didn’t make it any easier getting the email that officially said “cancelled.” Seeing it there, in black and white, still made me want to cry. And to make it worse, I felt bad for being so disappointed. So many people have had much bigger events cancelled, and have faced much bigger disappointments over the last couple months.

I have more than one friend that will not, or did not, get the wedding they had dreamed of due to social distancing. People aren’t getting to see the newborn babies of those close to them. People aren’t getting to give their loved ones funerals that include all the people that are important to them. There are so many disappointments going around right now that are much bigger than a cancelled concert.

But does that mean that we don’t let ourselves feel the “smaller” disappointments? How are we supposed to feel about the cancelled get togethers? The cancelled birthday parties? The cancelled trips? The disappointments that you face might feel small or insignificant beside the bigger disappointments around us, but does that mean that we push them aside and don’t let ourselves feel them?

The Disappointment behind the Cancellation

The thing about this disappointment, is that I have been looking forward to this particular concert more than I look forward to most concerts. The reason? I was finally going to get to see one of my favourite artists. I have loved his music since the first song of his I heard about 3 years ago. I listen to pretty much every one of his songs regularly. Aside from a couple exceptions because they make me cry every time… and that just doesn’t work for an average Tuesday in the office.

I have been waiting, impatiently, for the day when he would come to this area. For months I checked his tour schedule every few weeks hoping I would see a date scheduled for somewhere in Southwestern Ontario. I looked even more frequently when the summer dates started appearing. Is this a ridiculous level of interest in a concert schedule? Maybe. But that is how much I wanted to see this artist live in concert.

And then a summer date was announced. He was joining another artist in a summer tour, and they were coming to Toronto. I was beyond excited. When the pre-sale tickets went on sale, and they were within an acceptable price range, I bought them as fast as my fingers could manage. I was thrilled. The concert was a week after my birthday, it was perfect.

And then the world Changed

I purchased the tickets on March 12th. By the end of the day March 13th I was told not to come into the office on Monday. It soon became clear that, not only would I be working from home for the foreseeable future, but a lot of things were going to be different for quite some time. And then, the Friday of my 8th week working from home, almost exactly 2 months after purchasing the tickets, I received the email that officially cancelled the concert.

And I am really disappointed.

And this isn’t going to be the last disappointment this year. I already know that my summer trip plans are almost certainly being postponed until next summer. I haven’t started the process of cancelling my summer travel arrangements yet, so I’m still distanced from that disappointment. But I know that it’s coming. There are days coming when I will be emailing accommodations and car rental companies to cancel. I’m going to be disappointed. And I’m going to be upset about it.

Because, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether you think the closures and cancellations are a good decision or not. And it doesn’t matter if it’s a big disappointment or a small one. It’s okay to be upset about cancellations and changed plans. Life is crazy right now, and it’s okay to be upset about however you’re being affected by it. Even if your disappointment doesn’t seem like it’s as important as those of others around you.

How do we Deal?

But how do we deal with these disappointments?

I don’t think there’s an easy answer to this question. So much of the answer depends on the disappointment and the person facing it. Not to mention any previous disappointments that we’ve faced. Sometimes we handle everything fine right up until the time when some small disappointment sets us over the edge. And we find ourselves crying over some the small, insignificant thing.

Personally, for this particular disappointment, I turned to music. Actually, that’s not entirely true. First I ignored the disappointment for a few hours. But after that I turned to music. Because I knew that ignoring it wasn’t going to make it go away. So I grabbed my headphones, and I put on some music. I listened to a mixture of things, and avoided the artist that I was going to see. At least at first. I figured I’d work up to him.

I listened to other artists that I’ve seen in concert. And ones that I would like to see in concert some day. And I let myself be sad. One particular song hit me hard – “Six Feet Apart” by Luke Combs – because he talks about missing the road and the crowds. So I listened to it twice. I didn’t want to avoid songs that made me sad. I was looking to use them to release the emotions that I was feeling. I let myself cry.

And then I moved on to listening to the artist whose concert I was now not going to see. And I cried some more. But then, as it often does, the music started to make me feel better.

Music is something that I have used for comfort for as long as I can remember. I’m still disappointed about the cancelled concert, but the music helped me feel a bit better, and made me a bit more able to look forward to a time when concerts will be on again. And maybe… hopefully… this artist will come back to this area. And this time, I’d like him to be headlining the concert, please.

What disappointments, big or small, have you faced in the last few weeks? What helps you deal with disappointments in your life?

Until next time,

Meaghan Signature

The Thing About Fear – Acknowledging the Fears that Stop Us

Fear. There is a lot of fear in the world right now surrounding Covid-19. There are direct fears related to the illness itself, as well as fears that have arisen as a by-product of the pandemic. The economy. Jobs. People’s mental health and emotional well-being. Education. Toilet paper, yeast, and hair cuts. And the list of fears goes on. It can feel like we are trapped in a hamster wheel of fear with no apparent way to escape.

In thinking about these fears, I started thinking about the other fears that we face throughout our lives, and the ways that those fears can impact our lives. Some fears are big, and life changing in big, immediately apparent ways. Others are small, and we can learn how to move past them in a relatively short amount of time. Most fall somewhere in between. And sometimes it’s the fears that are easy to overlook, or easiest to justify, that have the greatest potential to keep us from moving forward.

Fear is a natural response to something that we see as dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. At it’s most basic, fear is an emotion that exists to keep us safe. It’s what tells us that we should be careful near that cliff, and that we shouldn’t get too close to that bear. But I think that sometimes fear gets it wrong. Our fears don’t always tell the whole truth. Sometimes our fear overacts to the situation. And sometimes our fears tell outright lies.

How do you define “Safe”

Sarah Rhea Werner, the host of the Write Now podcast has a recent episode about fear that I found to be very helpful. In this episode, she passes along information and advice about fear that she received. She talks about fear being a response intended to keep us safe, but she suggests that sometimes the trouble comes from the way in which our fear defines “safe.” Sometimes fear defines safe as comfortable.

Writing that blog post. Starting that Podcast. Going out for that promotion. Pursuing your “big” dream. These are all things that require us to move out of our comfort zone. They require us to face risks and yes, they can cause us to face the potential of pain. But these things do not typically put us at risk of actual harm. (I acknowledge that there are situations where these things might put us at risk of harm and still be good things, but I am going to focus on the general here).

The risks we face in these situations are more along the lines of the risk of failure. Or of being criticized, or ridiculed. There are risks in opening ourselves up and being vulnerable. There is risk in stepping out of our comfort zone to pursue the thing that simultaneously excites and terrifies us. Chances are that writing that blog post is not going to cause me actual harm. But our fear wants to keep us safe and comfortable. And that means sticking with what we know.

This type of fear is easy to give in to and accept. Because of that, these fears have a great deal of potential to hold us back and stop us from trying new things. And here’s the thing. Sometimes when fear stops us from doing something, it can actually cause us pain or lead to us being hurt in a different way. Fear of stepping out in relationships can save us from being hurt by other people, but can cause us loneliness and sadness.

I have let fear stop me from doing many things over the course of my life. Fear has stopped me from talking to people I wanted to meet. It has stopped me from going out for the worship team at my church. It has stopped me from applying to jobs that I wanted and was qualified for, but that felt too big and scary.

Fear has stopped me from pursuing my writing dreams. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid that people won’t like what I create. I am afraid that I’m actually a terrible writer. I am afraid that it will be hard, and that I’ll give up. And if I’m going to give up eventually anyway… why bother even starting? I also fear that it will work out. What if I succeed? Success brings with it a whole new level and category of fear. It is much easier to stay within my comfort zone.

The Comfort Zone

As much as I might wish otherwise, I have choosen to stay within my comfort zone, and let fear stop me from doing things, on many occasions. The majority of risks that we face in this zone are ones that are already known. We can handle them. They don’t stretch us, they don’t grow us. They leave us exactly where we are. There’s a reason it’s called the comfort zone.

But consider this. Our comfort zone is not static. It’s not surrounded by an impenetrable stone wall. It can, and should, change and grow as we move through life. If a baby stayed within its comfort zone, it would never move to solid foods, never learn to walk, or talk, or play. It would lie in one place forever. As we grow and try new things, our comfort zone can expand to incorporate that new thing.

Not everything we try becomes part of our comfort zone. Some things will always scare us, and we will decide they’re not for us. At some point in my childhood, trampolines moved outside of my comfort zone. I don’t like jumping on them, and I especially don’t like watching others jump on them. I can’t imagine that they will ever become part of my comfort zone. And that’s okay. We don’t have to be comfortable with everything. But sometimes we step out despite our fear and the sky doesn’t fall. So we try it again. And again. And eventually we can’t remember why we were afraid of it in the first place. We might discover new fears related to the original thing, but we have made progress, and our comfort zone has grown.

Many things we do fall into the grey area between our comfort zone and our fear zone. These are the things that scare us every single time, but we decide that they are worth it enough to keep doing them. Travel can be one of these grey areas for me.

If I hadn’t taken a BIG step out of my comfort zone, I would never have gotten on a plane and moved to England for a year. There’s a lot of travel that I wouldn’t have done had I not stepped out despite my fears. I love travelling. But there are fears that I face before and during each trip. Road trips can make me anxious about car accidents. I worry about illnesses and injuries. I worry about travelling alone and travelling with someone else. I worry that I will plan a bad trip.

But I do it anyway. I keep planning and booking trips because, for me, it’s worth it. I remind myself that accidents can happen close to home, as can injuries and illnesses. Sure, travel brings with it certain risks that are outside of our daily norms, but I work hard at not letting that stop me. And I have people who help me get past my worries and point out when I am being extreme.

Standing on the top of Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh
Climbing up to the top of Arthur’s Seat was outside of my comfort zone. But if I hadn’t done it, I would have missed this amazing view.

Acknowledging our Fears

Another thing in the episode that I found helpful, was the concept of acknowledging our fears and thanking them for keeping us safe before we then put them aside and move forward with the thing that scares us. It reminds me of the Marie Kondo method of purging and cleaning, where you thank an item before getting rid of it. The thanking does nothing for the item, or the fear, itself. But acknowledging that something has served it’s purpose, can help us move past it.

It’s not about ignoring our fears, or pretending they don’t exist. Sweeping something under the rug, or hiding it in the back of the closet, doesn’t make it go away. I have found that the more we hide our fears and ignore them, the more those fears tend to fester and grow. And often, while we’re ignoring our fears, we aren’t pursuing the thing that scares us. That big dream gets tucked away in the closet alongside the fear. When we acknowledge the fear, and bring it out into the light, we can begin the process of moving past it or learning how to live with it.

We are going to face many fears over the course of our lives. Some of them will be really big, and no one will question these fears. Some will be small, or unique to us, and it will seem like no one else will understand them. Is anyone else out there afraid before a big event, like say a Tuesday, that they are going to fall up the stairs and completely destroy their face? Or is that just me?

The important thing, I think, is that we acknowledge our fears and we make a decision about what we’re going to do with them. Are we going to walk away from the thing that scares us? Or are we going decide that the thing we want to do is more important than the fear. Sometimes walking away is the best decision, either forever or for right now. But sometimes we decide to move forward and walk down the scary path. Maybe we’ll get hurt. And maybe it won’t work out. But maybe it does work out. And maybe deciding to move forward on the thing that scares you will make all the difference in the world.

What about you? Is there something that fear is stopping you from doing right now? Is there something that you are currently doing in-spite of your fears? I would love to hear about it in the comments!

Until Next Time,

Meaghan Signature